i'm sitting here by myself at 0818 in the morning of my history test, bearing in mind that i've yet to even start because i was too tired yesterday. i wonder why. i wonder why i feel the sense of urgency yet can't bring myself to spend the next 4 hours studying for the last lap in the common tests. perhaps it's the sense of denial, either that or the sheer magnitude of my futility in even passing. i'm hoping the source based would be my saviour. i'm left with a numbness caused by math, lit, econs. i think it won't be long before i add history to that list.

you know. i know that in 6 months or so it'll be such a different situation. we'll all have finished studying for As and looking forward to moving on to a new phrase of our lives. will there be lots of separations, different paths that divert dramatically away from each other? and will we lose whatever we have built up and look back to regret the days when we were together but didn't really treasure? somehow i think the separation will be worse. worse than when secondary school ended. undergrad education simply offers too many options. i don't know why i'm thinking about it now. but somehow it seems important that i do think about it because it isn't really as far away as we think it is.

hey, doesn't that mean our As are nearer? gah.

Festival of Praise! 5-7th Aug Singapore Indoor Stadium. 7.30 to 9.30? er, not very sure but for people who enjoy Hillsong and just praising the Lord, you should definitely go! i know i'm going.

i'm just so disappointed in myself. to say that the GP compre was hard is no exaggeration and to say that the math paper made it look like chicken feet is true. i really studied my guts out for math, even more so than econs or history which i know will suffer because of that. so freaking worried that i can't even get an O. i know my paper had a lot of blanks and actually by the time i got to the 5th question i could feel the tears and had to push myself to continue. this sucks. i'm so not ready for As. and even if i study with all the lectures and stuff, it isn't enough. because people like me need to make sure they can do the practice papers without checking the answers 24/7 to confirm that they actually know something.

i know it was bad. (if i actually do well, remember that i THOUGHT it was bad so don't think i'm some bloody hypocrite who thought that doing badly was to get a freaking C/D) if i actually get those, i'm going to go down on my knees to thank the Lord for his grace. He'll be the first person I'd thank anyway.

Don't even feel like thinking about how i'm supposed to be studying for lit when i barely know nuts. i wish i was smarter or that the answers would drop out of the sky.

suddenly just after playing winning 11, i realise that i shouldn't be trying to stress myself out and really should relax. what i can't finish today can be done tomorrow and what can't be done tomorrow you should just hope isn't important. haha. Eugenia is right in saying that it doesn't matter that much if you don't do well in the common tests, but what is more important is doing well in the As. my headache is gone. and i feel kinda free. i know in a few minutes i'll be going back to doing my math but it doesn't seem so much like a chore anymore. perhaps learning to enjoy what i do makes it so much better. not that i really enjoy studying or anything. i'm not that sick.

i'm quite annoyed with myself. trying to rush all the studying in one week is like trying to kill yourself. just by itself, math is impossible to finish in a day, or even 2. but that's all the time i can allocate for that subject alone! i don't even have notes for Beloved and i really wanna at least get a pass in all my subjects. it's just that i know this is my punishment for slacking off in the earlier part of june. basically i know how screwed i am because i don't really understand econs and history for paper 3 is like so freaking difficult to study with all those stats and stuff that i definitely have no time to memorise. oh, and math? i just did like the stats part and i ended up going huh? huh? huh? to myself for 3 hours! can i finished 7 chapters of math in 6 hours? i highly doubt that! wahhhh...

everytime i do math i end up with a headache. a pounding headache that splits my skull. i couldn't even take my customary afternoon nap because of the pain so that's why i'm online. it's getting better though. my mum says it's because when i study i tend not to take breaks, i only take them from 12-2 plus and then from spongebob to end of it, and then 7-8 and then 10 onwards. so it's like ya, i take breaks but because they're not spaced out enough, my brain feels like it's going to explode. remember, the human brain is not a sponge. whee...

i really feel like it's such a hopeless situation. if i manage to do well for history considering how bad paper 3 is, i'm super lucky. if i manage to pass my math, i'm super lucky. if i manage to pass my econs after failing the mcq tests both times, i'm super lucky. if i manage to pass my lit, especially for the texts, i'm super lucky. not only am i super lucky, i know God is looking out for me.

i've been cooped up at home for 3 days!!!! again. and yesterday i managed to get another bruise on the back of my hand because i was too lazy to switch on the kitchen light and i just swung my hand and it whacked the doorknob. i mean, now how stupid is that. i'm going to play some game to let me relax. winning 11 here i come.

i'm a little worried that i can't finish my revision. because you still have to look through the past year papers for like econs and math. actually, i should be able to finish everything in a really leisurely fashion but somehow my sat and sun is going to be real busy. and i don't want to not go cell group just because i can't finish!

whose great and wonderful idea was it to have common tests right after holidays?

man, i keep getting whacked by other people. and they claim it's all accidental and suddenly it's my fault because i stood in the path of the ball. i played floorball again with some people whom i don't really know, just join in at the spur of the moment thing and it was really really fun. i think playing with 53 was more fun though. scored a goal but didn't play until the end cos i had to go home. this guy whacked me with the stick. bruise no.1. was playing soccer with JT again and then he was going to pass me the ball when i looked away and he just kicked without looking. the ball just whacked my leg and it was a super hard kick too. needless to say, the game ended there and then. bruise no.2. i get the feeling that sports can be quite violent. i have been whacked 4 times already this holiday. the bruises fade just to reappear in another place.

suddenly there's so many things i want to do after the block tests, mind you, it's not even after As or prelims. i really want to go shopping, especially since i'm looking for a keyboard. not the computer one. a nice long one that can be placed on my nice long table. i also want to continue with the guitar and my running because it's become so less frequent since i often find myself too tired after trying to study that i don't bother to do them. which sucks. i think i might just go totally wild after As though. i haven't even taken them and i already have a bad feeling about them. i need to chill. but there's only so much one can do in Singapore with a limited budget. most people just end up eating. i'm rambling. i think i need more sleep.

it's almost the end of the third week and i'm on the verge of screwing up my academic career, if i ever had one that is. supposed to be studying, panicking as i see everyone mugging, but i still stick to my own studying style of flipping through notes and not really doing the intensive studying thing. one more week! i think i'm trying to freak myself out on purpose. anyhow, i don't really seem to be THAT anxious (no, not contradicting) because i'm still relaxing. can you people just stop contributing to my anxiety level by not studying? :)

yeah, came back from cameron highlands after 2-3 days of freezing my toes off. if my toesies had toesies, my toesies's toesies would be freezing themselves off. i didn't think it'll be that cold. it was quite boring i think. and let's just say that after going to new zealand, you tend to compare. i even had time to flip through my trigo and curve sketching notes. and then i kept on eating cos it's colder and i get hungrier so i put back whatever weight i lost when the holidays started which is like 1 kg or more. grr...

went out with my ex patrol members for dinner. we had jap food at paragon. Sufeng, June, Esther. it was Esther's idea cos she said she missed them. anyway, she's going to australia to study so she wanted to meet. haha, Sufeng seemed so much taller to me when i was in sec 1 and 2. me was the youngest there. it was really nice. really great talking to them and catching up. quite lame. memories.

today i went to get my history notes from vj which was what sparked off the first paragraph. then i went to get my specs. and cos it was still more than an hour to Batman, i went in to the shop and waited. then i was looking at sunglasses cos my pair is like really pathetic (see me cheapo) and i need them because of the sun's glare when i go out, especially when i'm playing sports. no caps for me, it messes up my already messy hair. i liked the armani one, very slick design, from 350 to 210. that's a really good discount but i think my mum will freak. there was this sports wrap-around one but i scared that if i get it people will say i poser. wah, suddenly my grammer all over the place why i also not sure. sometimes i know i'm paying for the brand but this time i really like those sunglasses, and maybe i'm paying for the quality. the sales-lady knows me too so i think when i have money i'll go back and get them. maybe i can find a cheaper pair that looks as slick. maybe they'll have a 80% discount. maybe money will drop down from the sky.

then i watched Batman Begins with my sis and mum. fantastic! it was kinda too dark for my taste though. but i liked how it really stuck with the characterisation with the comic but there were some parts that didn't follow as usual. i thought there might have been a mention of Talia but there wasn't. and Christian Bale is really good as Batman. you should go watch it! and after this i'm going to watch more tv and yay the OC is back on. i'm like a tv junkie. now you know where all my time goes. not to studying that's for sure. but that's okay, shouldn't burn out too soon. i almost had a breakdown in the second week where i went hysterical. see... studying and cooping yourself at home for 4-5 days straight has severe side effects. so that's why i'm taking it easy for now.

why do i feel like going shopping so much??

my days have all started to blend together. today marks the 4th day i have been cooped up in the house doing the same routine over and over again. it doesn't even matter if today's thursday--wait, perhaps it does because today has Joey! see, it all boils down to the different tv shows each day has. that's sad.

my daily routine consists of me waking up at 10 plus, reading the papers, eating brunch, going back for a long afternoon nap, waking up and kicking my mini soccer ball around for half an hour, studying for 1-2 hours, watching spongebob, coming online, eating... talking on the phone, watching tv, reading a little before bed and zzz... aiyo.. what kind of intensive study regime is this? it's not! but figures, nevermind, i'll get down to really studying in the last week... i hope. must try my best cos i know i'll be very sad if i don't do well. my standard already lowered a lot ok! so if i don't do well, i know i've hit bottom. :(

and it's been like that for the past 4 days. sad life huh. the only day it was different was tue cos i went to cut my hair. and today when i went online after dinner instead cos my sister was busy using the computer to finish her essay on amoeba. of all things amoeba. what kind of homework is that. haha. and what kind of boring life am i writing anyway.

can't wait to go overseas even if it's to malaysia on sat. few days only but at least i won't feel so guilty sleeping and eating the whole day :) feel like going for spa... there's a shop downstairs which offers spa packages and facial from 35 bucks... very cheap but even so i have no money. grr. mum keeps on telling me that i will spend all of my first paycheck and then spend into the next month's. a few years ago i won't even have thought of going for facial and spa. i think i was a more simple girl than who was less materialistic.

i find it weird that i bond with my dad over certain things that people who are normal would find weird. yesterday we were watching eye for a guy and my dad was like, "so sweet, aww" when Howard wrote Denise the fairytale. then there was this kind of mood and i semi hugged him. (ooh, the commercials by MCYS for family week are working!) and he was also in this very happy happy mood. then after the show he kept looking downstairs to the gym to see if it was empty cos he wanted to work on his 6 pack. (is that how you spell it) wah, he's damn good, so old (haha) and the minute he started working out (i told him to do weights not just jogging), he suddenly got the makings of 6 pack. what's this... how unfair, i don't even get a wee bit of shoulder muscle when i do weights and he got?! the unfairness in the difference between guys and girls. of course i don't want too much muscle but a bit also nice right. when he first showed me his stomach i kept on trying to see if he was sucking in his breath. :)

and i think these few days just talking to the Lord about my dreams and what he intends for me has made me more relaxed and less confused. yay.

suddenly i don't feel like my life is that boring (though we all know it is) and suddenly i'm just happy. weird.

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050607002832-455859

Sam started me on it. other than that, i'm also trying to study but failing miserably. so... how's your week been? and oh oh... i'm playing winning 11!!!! arghhh!!! fun fun fun. aiyo. should be studying. should be studying. i got a bruise cos JT kicked the soccer ball and it hit my foot. (yes, i know i shouldn't have been playing without proper shoes, but i don't have proper shoes to play soccer so anyone wanna buy me a pair--ex you know) but now the bruise is fading so my feet looks normal and pink again.

i think i'm high.

lingering in the mind
dancing in the soul
the heart's ablaze with heat
waiting for eternity

you just tell me how i'm supposed to deal with life

again i feel so so lazy and un-motivated to study. i keep on telling myself i'll go and do it, yes i will *pumps fist in air* but so far the week's almost over and i've yet to really tackle what i said i would do. or else i've just skimmed through because the day's activities have tired me out. forget it, i'll do it the next week. no point worrying and fussing about stuff like that because it screws up your day with worrying. i think i'll just enjoy what's left of today and what will be tomorrow with meeting my friends at YA meeting and then going for cell and bbq at night. that settles it, going to watch tv later. lazy me. i'm behind in my schedule by 5 chapters worth of work (big big big chapters with all those part 1 part 2 part 3 ...) but i think it's okay la. i can catch up when i'm really panicked.

i really feel very lazy lately. there seems to be this cloud of haze, not unpleasant, that's hovering around me. i feel like wallowing in it. i think i'm supposed to say something here like "let's give in to our basic instincts and wallow in mud and eat ourselves silly!" but that just sounds wrong.

i'm wondering about my morals. sometimes i feel like they aren't that clearly defined as i thought they were. does it surprise you if i sometimes think that it's okay to break the rules in certain circumstances like maybe if you want to get ahead in the game of life? or how i sometimes feel like a relationship is something that people blow out of proportion and that a fling would be good in my life? (okay, so maybe that isn't exactly moralistic stuff but it can be linked.) the point i'm trying to make is that sometimes (i keep using that word because it's only SOMETIMES) i wonder why i make such a big deal of stuff that has to do with morals. maybe it's okay to do certain things. but after some thought, i abandon these haha radical ideas because i fear the consequences of doing them according to my present trend of thought. i don't like doing things in a moment of folly, neither do i appreciate the backlash and consequences of doing things i normally won't do because of impulse. but that doesn't mean i'm safe and reliable. i can be wild and exciting too. haha. now that sounds like an ad for a car ride or something.

"hop in and experience the ride of your life!" --advertisment for my supposedly wild side

does it sound semi suggestive? *laughs* perhaps i sub consciously meant it to be so. nah, i just meant that i'm fun. i guess sometimes i view things more seriously than others because i like thinking of the long term rather than the here and now. or maybe it's a mixture of both. i like thinking ahead. but i also know how to enjoy the moment. oh well, my train of thought's a little disturbed because my eyes keep on going back to the advertisment line. get back to you when it returns